Leaving On A Jet Plane

Is it weird that I keep forgetting I’m going on vacation tomorrow?

I keep making plans only to cancel them shortly after with an, “Oh wait! I’m not going to be here.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually incredibly excited for this week.

I get to leave 104 degrees of sweaty armpit hell and go to mid 70’s and night time sweater weather.

Camping, pontoon boating, family time, lots of bbq, and a live NFL Sunday night football game await me.

The only thing that stands between me and a week of North Carolina bliss is a plane ride.

A plane ride with a kid that hates sitting still, throws tantrums, and never sleeps.

*Cue scary music*

image

I remember being so worried about our flight when he was six months old.

If you can recall, I made a bunch of “care packs” for our fellow passengers with chocolates, ear plugs, and a little note.

Surprisingly, he was awesome on both flights so we really didn’t even need them.

Well this time I am almost certain we WILL need them but the only chocolate I am bringing along is for me.

Because let’s be honest, nobody is having a worse flight than the parent’s of the crying screaming child.

I shouldn’t have to apologize to you for taking my son to see his grandparents.

If anything, YOU should buy ME a vodka cranberry for having to sit in the same seat as the monster.

image

Those screams are going directly into my eardrums.

I’m sorry, what did you say?

I think I’m partially deaf now.

So wish me luck!

We leave bright and early in the morning and since drugging your child with Benadryl is frowned upon we will be relying heavily on The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the iPad and snacks.

So many snacks.

20140526-155648-57408884.jpg

Spooks & Haunts

No food post today, guys.
I know.
Please try to control your emotions.
It’s just been one hell of a week and taking pictures of my cooking process was the furthest thing from my mind.

So instead I’m going to tell you a ghost story because those never get boring.
Enjoy the horror that is my life as a haunted soul.

When Derek told me the video I sent him yesterday morning of my computer charger blinking (despite not being plugged in) had a voice talking on it I didn’t bother to review it myself.


Instead, I raced into our room to throw on clothes and get the hell out of our house.
As I walked into Declan’s room to grab his jacket a cold chill ran up my spine and all the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.
I could feel someone standing right behind me.
I passed the charger as I left and the blinking had stopped.

My skepticism of the unexplained was put to rest at a young age.
It’s easy to say “my house is haunted” but it’s more difficult to admit that maybe it’s not the house but rather the person inside.
Maybe it’s me.

When I was in high school I saw a woman dressed in all white walking in my room towards my full length closet mirror.
I was sure that I had imagined it so I never told a soul and moved on.
Then I saw her again.
Same outfit, walking to the same place in my room.
Sure that my family would think I was crazy, I kept it to myself.
But then I saw her AGAIN.
Only this time she was wearing all black, which really spooked me.
I reluctantly told my mom and she confessed that she too had seen this ghostly woman in my room.

Skip a few more scary encounters like that one and you’ve got all the stuff I talked about in October of 2012 that happened in our old house.
(Have I really been blogging that long?!)
You can read about it here

So I almost wasn’t surprised when things began happening in our new home a few month ago.

It all started out innocently enough.
We have an motion activated light in our guest bathroom and it would come on randomly.
But it was probably the air, right?
Or maybe we closed another door in the house too hard and it triggered it.

Next was the orbs.
One night Derek and I were sitting on the couch with Declan and I was trying to capture something cute so I had my iphone video camera on.
With my own eyes I saw a ball of light pass over us and go into the wall.
Sure enough, there were not one but two orbs on the video.

You will see the first one at 10/11 seconds shooting upward and the second one at 32/33 seconds moving slowly up towards Derek’s face.

Notice also how you can see the tv on throughout the whole video reflecting on the wall and Derek’s face, but nothing like that.

—–

The closet where our heating unit is will frequently be open all of a sudden.

Mind you, Derek and I never open it to begin with and it cannot be opened without real force.
(We’ve tested it out).

We hear unexplained noises, like banging or tapping.

And probably the scariest of all is what happened about a month or so ago with the Xbox.
We had just picked out a documentary to watch on Netflix and Derek pressed play.
He then turned the Xbox controller off.
We were both sitting completely still with Declan asleep on me when all of a sudden the hand icon popped on the screen and motioned to turn off our movie.

If you’re not familiar with the new Xbox let me explain.
You have to raise your arm in order for the hand icon to appear.

20140321-171425.jpg

Neither of us had our arms even close to bring raised.
Additionally, it started to move and turn off our movie….
Amazed, I pulled out my phone, pressed record, and the second I did the hand icon went away.

So like I said, when Derek told me there was a voice on the recording I sent him at 6:30 am when it was still dark in my living room I didn’t play it back, I left my house!

20140321-120316.jpg

Derek finally responded to my panicked texts about an hour later and told me to come down to his shop.
It wasn’t until I got there that I found out he was just kidding about the voice.

Turns out he never thought I would high tail out of the house before reviewing the video first and he was just trying to momentarily frighten me, not ruin my whole morning and throw me into a panic (which is what happened instead.)

But when you already have enough scary encounters to write a mini book you learn to act now, ask later.

So this one was debunked and I was safe to return home.
But tell me, how do you explain the rest?

Is this house haunted too?
Or is it me that’s been haunted and followed all along?
The mystery continues.

Happy Friday :)

What A Day In My Life Looks Like

I get asked a lot what it’s like being a stay at home mom.
So I thought I would go ahead and show you what a typical day looks like for me.

[12:00 AM]
Declan begins to wiggle around.
If I don’t make eye contact maybe he won’t see me and will go back to sleep.20140213-043659.jpg

[1:30 AM]

Declan seems to think he’s being stabbed to death in his sleep based off the Michael Meyers victim scream he’s letting out.
Relieved that it was just a dream but embarrassed of his reaction, he defensively begins to yell insults at me.

After I take a verbal beating I manage to calm him down enough to feed him until he passes out.

[4:30 AM]

Somebody is ready to partay!

Unfortunately I am not yet on his level.

I try to protest which he just makes him more hyper.

Since Derek’s alarm will be going off in the next 20 minutes I peel myself from our bed with Mr. Smiles so that he doesn’t wake daddy.

[4:32 AM]

Declan takes off Runaway Bride style during his diaper change, forcing me to chase after his bare ass and shimmy a diaper on him.

This is followed by a long play session where he pulls out every toy he owns.

20140218-184838.jpg

This picture was literally taken at 4:30 in the morning.

It’s not human to be that happy before the sun comes up.

[6:00 AM]
After several attempts to get Declan back to sleep I decide to eat, shower and get ready for my day.

The minute I finish getting ready & am wide awake:
He passes out.

20140218-100601.jpg

[6:45 AM]
We’ve nursed but someone is still hungry so I make a valid attempt to give him solids which usually results in him eating a shit ton of Puffs and fighting off anything of nutritional value.

[7:00 AM]
Operation crawl away from safety and towards danger has commenced.
I close my eyes to sneeze and all of a sudden he’s across the room trying to climb up the stack of chainsaws, dirty needles, and grenades that got left out again.

[9:00 AM]
Time for the dreaded car ride to the grocery store.

This is how I feel whenever I have to go somewhere that involves putting him in his car seat:

But Declan seems to think I look more like this:

And thus the crying begins.

[11:00 AM]
Yes, I’m serious.
It’s only 11:00 am.
Help me.

[12:00 PM]
Try to convince Declan to sit in his high chair long enough for me to scarf down some lunch.

[12:05 PM]
Eat my lunch one handed while fighting off the baby hands in my other arm that are trying to grab my food after a failed high chair attempt.

[12:30-3:00 PM]
Time for a nice long stroll around the neighborhood followed by more milk syphoning and lots of floor time.

[3:00 PM]
Daddy is home and asks about our day:

[4:00 PM]
I pass Declan to his daddy while I pee.

[4:02 PM]

Declan’s reaction to seeing me after said bathroom trip:

[5:00 PM]
Declan takes a bath with daddy while I cook dinner.

[6:00 PM]
The witching hour is upon us.
Nobody is safe from his wrath.

And we’re just like:

[6:30 PM]
After several minutes of standing and rocking Declan, he has his head rested on my shoulder and his eyes closed.
Convinced he is asleep, I naively try to sit and relax.
To which he pops up and responds:

[6:45 PM]

Fortunately I am prepared for his fight and come armed with lullabies and back rubs.

20140218-140211.jpg

[7:15 PM]

Stop the presses!
Declan Franklin has fallen asleep!

[7:30 PM]

Time for a glass of wine.

Maybe two.

[8:00 PM]
Derek and I play Tetris around our baby bed hog in attempt to cuddle up and watch some tv together.

20140218-141326.jpg

[9:00 PM]
Lights out.

[9:30 PM]
I dose off into dreamland.

[12:00 PM]
Repeat.

(It should go without saying that this is a satirical piece and should not be taken seriously but I’ll verbalize it anyway.)

If I Were a Boy

I’ve never done a linkup before, but when I saw this one with Erin and Gay I decided it was too fun to not participate in.

So let’s dive on in shall we?

If I were a boy

I would never shave.

You know, I always get on Derek about shaving but when I put on his shaving cream to take the picture for this bit I realized why he hates it so much. Everything was fine and dandy at first, fun even. But then about 3 minutes into me trying to get a decent photo that shit started to sting.

Burning face?

No thank you.

Note to Derek: I still expect you to shave. Love you, mean it!

.

– I would set my alarm for 10 min. before I need to leave.

Then I would hit snooze, since I really only needed 5 minutes to shower, get dressed, and leave anyway.

.

I would eat candy on the daily.

Then go to the gym once a week to burn off said candy.

As opposed to the life of a woman where one chocolate bar = 4 days in the gym.

Bastards.

.

I would convince my lady love that playing Call of Duty is a necessary life skill.

Babe, I’m just trying to prepare us for the zombie apocalypse.

.

I would maniacally laugh every month when my woman was on her period and tell her it’s all Eve’s fault when she cried over cramps.

GhostRiderManiacalLaugh

Stupid women, eating apples and bleeding for a week straight.

.

I would pee wherever I pleased.

And possibly end up on Megan’s Law for it.

.

I would convince my gf/wife that Pinterest is the best website ever.

178455203956143169_ivSXj5wG_c

I would never cat call women walking down the street.

“Wow. What a catch. I hope he drives by again so I can get his number.”

Said no woman ever.

.

I would only own a weeks worth of outfits.

And that would NOT send me into a spiraling depression.

.

I would hotbox my lady out of the room with farts because somewhere in my sick, twisted, delusional mind I would think she actually finds it endearing.

We DON’T.

.

I would still cry watching Rocky III.

I don’t care what you say, the scene where Micky dies gets me every damn time.

.

I would avoid Target shopping with a woman at all costs.

19492210857153708_gZTPe2hn_c

I would eat bacon every time as if it were the last time.

.

And last but not least:

I would probably wish I were a girl.

.

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side, am I right dog?

193936327673205241_rPxuKUMf_c

XO

Fatty Confessions

Today at lunch, I double fisted a pair of Lean Pockets…

Before you declare me a fatty I encourage you to hear me out.

1. They were Lean Pockets, not Hot Pockets. That makes them better for me, right?

2. The fridge at work is broken. This means that in order for me to buy a pack of Lean Pockets I would have to either eat them both or let one die .

As you can see, I am actually a hero here.

I took one for the team.

Ate them both rather than wasting food.

Mom would be so proud.

And P.S.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I double fisted them.

I have this weird compulsion about eating food in very specific ways.

So I took a bite out of the one in my left hand, and then a bite out of the right.

Kept them nice and even until the very end.

In light of this, I decided to dedicate this post to shameful food moments.

I know we have all had them, and now I’m going to share my most embarrassing ones.

Because who doesn’t need a good laugh at other people’s expense every once in a while?

I like to call this my:

**On several occasions I have convinced Derek to change his order at a restaurant because I don’t want him to order a salad while I order a cheeseburger and fries.**

**I once ate an entire package of Chips A’Hoy cookies [but who hasn’t, right?]**

**A few years ago I was driving home from work and I was hungry but I had just eaten dinner.

I stopped at In-N-Out and got an order of animal style fries, ate them in the car, and hid the evidence in the trash cans outside of our apartment before I walked in**

**I like to sit/stand next to the snack table at a party with my body facing sideways.

That way I can grab snacks with my hidden hand and people won’t notice how many chips, hot dogs, and cookies I’ve really robbed them of **

**I once tried to hide the fact that I was eating a slice of pizza from Derek by stashing it in the pantry when he walked into the room.

In case you’re wondering, I made the fatal error of warming it up first so he smelled it and when he walked in he said “did you warm up the pizza?”

I said no, he called bullshit, and found my slice in the pantry… busted**

**I have been known to stand in front of my open fridge and “sneak” giant bites of leftovers that I just put in there an hour earlier**

**I often take one giant bite of something and then put it back in the box/container/plate/etc.

Like, maybe you won’t notice if I put it back into its place neatly.**

**I like to eat out of the pan as I put leftovers in a container… immediately after I just ate**

**I’m NEVER too full for dessert**

**I once ate 3/4 of a double layer yellow cake with chocolate frosting in one sitting**

That’ll do it.

I think I’ve shamed myself enough here.

And to be clear, I’m actually pretty healthy about 98% of the time.

But sometimes the fat kid inside of me creeps out.

She longs for secret meals, cakes, and still-hot-leftovers.

And what kind of message would I be sending to her if I didn’t give in every now and then?

Forever young.

YOLO.

And whatever other slang terminology I can use to justify myself.

Here’s to food!

I Vote

Today’s big secret is out, guys.

You’re hearing it here first.

It’s Election Day!

Okay fine.

Maybe it’s not a secret.

I’m sure your Facebook’s are all blowing up with status updates about it.

Along with pictures of girls doing the kissy face in sexy outfits to show their “I voted” sticker.

I know I never miss an opportunity to show off my best assets.

“Eye” Voted

Okay, so maybe I got the whole “sexy pose with your sticker” thing wrong.

But in my defense, that memo was not sent my way this morning.

Anyway.

Since we are all in the voting spirit today, I thought I would take the opportunity to express some things that I also think we should vote for.

2016 ballot, I’m looking at you.

I VOTE:  That everyday be National Ice Cream Sandwich Day.

That’s right.

Free ice cream sandwiches daily.

I VOTE: That yoga pants at work become completely acceptable, always.

I VOTE: For equality.

I VOTE: That Disney stops vaulting all of their movies.

Aladdin

In order to watch Aladdin I have to either wait until 2013 or dig up a VHS player.

I get it Disney, you own the world.

And clearly you know you own me too.

Because there is no way I am spending 15 + minutes rewinding a VHS just to listen to Gilbert Gottfried’s voice for 91 minutes.

I VOTE:  That people stop using Facebook to exploit their children.

I know he’s only one, but what happens on the internet stays on the internet and I’m not so sure he will appreciate you showing everyone his 1-year-old junk in the bathtub when he’s trying to pick up the ladies at the ripe age of 5.

Also, I don’t want to see your kids junk.

Speaking of kids and bathtubs…

I VOTE:  That every Wednesday husbands are required to cook dinner while their wives enjoy a bubble bath.

Derek often showers while I cook dinner.

I want in on that action!

I VOTE: For more YOU time.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life.

I VOTE:  That we bring back Doug.

I VOTE: That everyone finds their soul mate.

On that same train of thought..

I VOTE:  That Chuck and Wilson are reunited in Cast Away.

You can take a man’s volleyball from him, but you can’t take the bond they shared.

I VOTE:  For animal photobombing.

huffingtonpost.com

I VOTE: That Justin Timberlake makes good on his promise and brings sexy back.

I VOTE: That Squeeze-Its make a comeback.

I VOTE:  That nice steakhouses won’t give you the death stare when you ask for ketchup.

I VOTE:  To stop domestic violence.

It’s just never okay.

Ever.

I VOTE:  That The Kardashian’s never leave reality tv.

Just kidding, nobody votes that.

I VOTE:  For Pinterest to provide each one of their members with their very own “Martha” who will come to our homes and do all of the recipes, organizing, DIY projects that we pin for us.

I VOTE: That tomorrow we can all be friends again after the past few months of bashing one another’s political views.

Here’s to voting!

Lions, Tigers, And Zombies Oh My!

Nobody wants to be a zombie, right?

Wrong.

So wrong my friends.

On Saturday Derek, our good friend Veis, and myself all participated in the Run For Your Lives 5K in Temecula.

Not as runners, but as zombies.

Mitt Rombies to be exact.

[Rombies= Romney Zombies. I have explained it to you even though it takes away from the humor of it]

Mitt Rombies

Derek’s sign (far left) says: “I don’t drink soda, but I do drink blood.”

Mine (middle, come on) says: “Binders full of brains… and women of course.”

Veis’s sign (far right) says: “I feed on the 47%.”

Now I don’t give a hootenanny what your political affiliation is, that shit is funny.

And it was also a joke.

All in good fun.

So breathe and put the keyboard down slowly so nobody gets hurt here.

Oh and P.S.

Please note my shoes in the photo above.

I am the ONLY zombie I saw all day that was true to her character and wore high heels!

Well, high heel.

We broke one off because I envisioned Ann Romney losing a heel as she ran from the zombies.

Dedication my friends.

Pure dedication.

And with that I will say that being a zombie was awesome.

Granted, I did get arm-barred by the “living” one too many times while attempting to steal their flags.

Which sucked.

Seriously, people were treating their flags like they were Super Mario life mushrooms or something.

Come on, I’m just trying to eat your brains steal your flag like I’m supposed to.

Cool it.

But other than that, it was a blast.

We scared the living daylights out of people.

Watched numerous people fall into a massive mud pit.

Did a zombie flash mob, Gundam Style.

And took several pictures with random people who loved our costumes.

I’m pretty sure I got more compliments about my dimples, dress, etc. covered in blood and dirt then I did on my own wedding day.

Winning .

Here are some pictures from the day:

Shoes

Zombies love beer

Blood and Beer

Rombies

I’d like to note that I had an epiphany during my 3.5 hour zombie shift.

Life changing, really.

As I watched people run in fear from me it all became crystal clear.

I would not survive a zombie apocalypse.

I know it’s not going to be easy to convince you to let me die in the event of a zombie outbreak (sarcasm) but let me try.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAVE ME

1. I’m too pale to live without sunblock.

Burnnnt

You can tell where I had fake blood because those are the little white spots within the sea of redness.

This burn my friends is only from a 7 hour day.

Can you imagine having to risk your life every 1-2 hours to help me reapply my sunblock?

Didn’t think so.

2. I CANNOT survive without Chap Stick

Already we’ve got two products I could not live without.

If you saved me I would make us spend our days rummaging through cars, buildings, zombie pockets, etc. to make sure my Chap Stick stash was never empty.

Oh and on that same note I should probably mention that I am very particular about what types of Chap Stick I use.

A zombie apocalypse does not change my standards, so no, medicine flavored ones will NOT do.

3. I have weak legs

I just told you how to kill me, you’re welcome.

4. My body shuts down in the heat/cold

Basically I am not meant to be outside.

Ever.

5. I’m a scaredy cat

I don’t go in my garage once it is dark outside, I turn the volume off when I watch scary movies, and I was afraid of the Matterhorn at Disneyland until I was 22.

Okay, I’m still scared of it.

So there you have it.

In the event of a zombie apocalypse I hope you leave me with the kitty and save yourselves.

You’re right.

Take the kitty.

She could be useful.

I Am…Sam.

Fun fact about me:

I have an uncanny ability to make awkward situations ten times more awkward.

And now, a story.

Sam… Andi… Same thing.

It all started back in December.

I had become a frequent Starbucks consumer and began making daily/every other day trips to the same location which is on the way to work.

Naturally, the barista who works almost every morning learned my name.

“Hi Andi, the usual or are we switching it up today?”

Living the dream, right?

Then one day I walked in to order my usual and she paused.

My barista, Laura, the same girl that had taken my order almost every morning, looked at me puzzled.

“It’s Sam, right?”

Come on Laura, you’re better than this.

I laughed and corrected her.

“No it’s Andi” (insert smiling face)

Now maybe this was my fault.

Maybe the awkward laugh I produced muzzled my response, because she responded:

“That’s what I thought. I don’t know why I blanked. Thanks Sam, have a good one.”

Now a normal person would have again corrected her, but not me.

I panicked.

My palms sweaty, my face flushed.

“Thanks, you too!”

Shit.

And so I made it a point to wait a few weeks before going back.

I figured it was a fluke and that some time apart would do us both good.

Help us remember the bond we shared when she knew my name and drink.

A few weeks later I heard lady Starbucks calling my name.

That iced coffee cooing at me.

So I went.

“Hi Sam, what’ll it be today?”

Normal persons response:

“Hi Laura. It’s actually Andi and I will take my usual. Thank you so much!”

My response:

“Hi Laura. The usual please, thank you so much!”

I know what you’re thinking…

But I encourage you to hold your judgement until the end because it just gets worse from here and I don’t want you wasting those terrible thoughts about me on the beginning of the story.

So now I feel like I’m in too deep.

I mean…

I let her call me Sam not once, but twice now.

Telling her the third time would no doubt make her think I am a shitty person or that I was intentionally trying to screw with her.

So I let it continue, but whenever she isn’t working I tell whoever is taking my order that my name is Andi.

But then I begin to realize that people are starting to learn my name as both Andi AND Sam.

It’s time to make a decision.

Either let Laura know the truth or fully succumb to being Sam.

I’ve decided to be me. Andi.

I go in one day and Laura is there but she is making the drinks, not taking the orders.

This is my chance!

I can tell the person taking my order that my name is Andi, and when Laura calls out my name and sees me take my drink she will then realize that my name is not Sam and I will have avoided having to tell her face to face.

Starbucks Guy: “Hi, what can I get you?”

Me: “Hello. Venti iced coffee with non-fat milk unsweetened, please.”

Here we go, you can do it.

Starbucks Guy: “Sure thing. Can I get your na…”

[Chiming in from across the room]

Laura: “Her name is Sam. Hey Sam! I’ll get your drink started right now”

…..

At this point I start to think that Laura is fucking with me.

Like,

She KNOWS my name isn’t Sam and she wants to see how long I will keep pretending it is.

Well Laura,  you win.

 7 months and 140 iced coffees later I AM STILL SAM.

Today the guy taking my order stopped, just as Laura did on that fateful day in December.

“Don’t tell me. I know your name.”

The other baristas laughed at him and chanted:

“I know her name!” “Yeah me too! It starts with an SSSSS”

Finally he gave in and they told him.

But here’s the kicker.

When I paid with my card, he looked at the receipt.

Stopped.

Looked me in the eyes and said,

“Andrea?”

My response?

Why, it was what anyone knee deep in an irrelevant lie would say:

“Yeah. Sam is my nickname. My nickname with a very long explanation.”

He then said,

“Maybe I’ll start calling you Andrea then.”

I should take this as an opportunity to reclaim my name, but instead it gives me anxiety and I laugh uncomfortably.

Maybe he can tell, because he follows up saying:

“Just kidding! I couldn’t even remember Sam.”

Okay, you can judge me now.

Xoxo