Let’s face it:
When you get pregnant it affects everyone.
And while it would be awesome if all your friends and family were on the same level of excitement (and misery) as you, it would also be kind of creepy.
It’s like I’m growing a baby right along with you.
But while this post is about you mama, it isn’t for you.
This one goes out to everyone who has been personally victimized by their friend’s pregnancy.
Aka, all of my friends during mine.
SURVIVING YOUR FRIEND’S PREGNANCY
It will start as all days do.
You’ll probably be milking a hangover as you eat a bagel and casually scroll Facebook from the comfort of your bed when you see a post that will stop you in your tracks.
Our family is expanding by two feet!
And then there were three!
You immediately begin the five stages of grief.
Denial: OMG I knew it! I’m so happy for her!
Anger: Wait a minute. Why didn’t she tell me before she announced it on Facebook? What a bitch, she had better not expect me to come to the baby shower.
Bargaining: I should get her a bottle of wine so that she has to drink it with me when she pops that thing out!
Depression: I’m going to end up owning 25 cats and knitting them all sweaters for the harsh California winters.
Acceptance: It’s just a baby. Not like she’s going to change into a completely different person or something.
But of course you’re wrong.
Very, very wrong.
You will start to notice that it physically pains her to talk about anything other than her growing spawn.
And you’re like…
She will begin several sentences by saying,
“I know this is really gross and you probably don’t want to hear it, but…”
Every time you blink there will be a new photo shoot.
She will invite you to her baby gender reveal party and you will secretly wonder why on earth anyone would have an entire event surrounded around finding out what the sex of their baby is.
And you will never look at her the same way again if she makes it a dry party.
Speaking of, “parties” with her will never last past 7:00 pm.
Your days of splitting a cheat dessert after dinner will be long gone.
You turn your head for a moment to grab your fork and she’s already devoured the entire cheesecake slice and now she’s crying uncontrollably because it’s all gone.
Did I mention she will tell you that she misses caffeine every single time she sees you?
When the infamous baby shower comes, you will be at a loss on what to get her.
Does this present say, “Nope. Not bitter at all that I lost my Taco Tuesday PIC.”
And when she finally pops that monster out she will expect you to come to the hospital to visit this weird creature that you have no real attachment to.
You’ll look that little baby in the eyes and uncomfortably say the first thing that comes to mind.
Everyone will laugh, completely unaware that you were 100% serious and your new mom friend will put that tiny little being in your arms.
You’ll be terrified that any move you make will snap it’s neck and put you on death row.
He/She will lock eyes with you and look directly into your soul.
You’ll want to look away because there is way too much shit in there that is not child friendly, but you will find yourself mesmerized by those tiny little eyes attached to that tiny little body.
And for a moment, you will completely get why people decide to have kids.
When the baby is done uncovering your deepest darkest secrets they will then cleanse you of your sins by vomiting all over you.
This will snap you out of your trance and you will be free to leave.
Congratulations, you survived!
Now go enjoy your baby-free life with a trip to the movies.
Or a theme park.
Or a smokey bar with a regular named Patty.
The childless world is your oyster my friend.