Fatty Confessions

Today at lunch, I double fisted a pair of Lean Pockets…

Before you declare me a fatty I encourage you to hear me out.

1. They were Lean Pockets, not Hot Pockets. That makes them better for me, right?

2. The fridge at work is broken. This means that in order for me to buy a pack of Lean Pockets I would have to either eat them both or let one die .

As you can see, I am actually a hero here.

I took one for the team.

Ate them both rather than wasting food.

Mom would be so proud.

And P.S.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I double fisted them.

I have this weird compulsion about eating food in very specific ways.

So I took a bite out of the one in my left hand, and then a bite out of the right.

Kept them nice and even until the very end.

In light of this, I decided to dedicate this post to shameful food moments.

I know we have all had them, and now I’m going to share my most embarrassing ones.

Because who doesn’t need a good laugh at other people’s expense every once in a while?

I like to call this my:

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**On several occasions I have convinced Derek to change his order at a restaurant because I don’t want him to order a salad while I order a cheeseburger and fries.**

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**I once ate an entire package of Chips A’Hoy cookies [but who hasn’t, right?]**

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**A few years ago I was driving home from work and I was hungry but I had just eaten dinner.

I stopped at In-N-Out and got an order of animal style fries, ate them in the car, and hid the evidence in the trash cans outside of our apartment before I walked in**

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**I like to sit/stand next to the snack table at a party with my body facing sideways.

That way I can grab snacks with my hidden hand and people won’t notice how many chips, hot dogs, and cookies I’ve really robbed them of **

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**I once tried to hide the fact that I was eating a slice of pizza from Derek by stashing it in the pantry when he walked into the room.

In case you’re wondering, I made the fatal error of warming it up first so he smelled it and when he walked in he said “did you warm up the pizza?”

I said no, he called bullshit, and found my slice in the pantry… busted**

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**I have been known to stand in front of my open fridge and “sneak” giant bites of leftovers that I just put in there an hour earlier**

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**I often take one giant bite of something and then put it back in the box/container/plate/etc.

Like, maybe you won’t notice if I put it back into its place neatly.**

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**I like to eat out of the pan as I put leftovers in a container… immediately after I just ate**

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**I’m NEVER too full for dessert**

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**I once ate 3/4 of a double layer yellow cake with chocolate frosting in one sitting**

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That’ll do it.

I think I’ve shamed myself enough here.

And to be clear, I’m actually pretty healthy about 98% of the time.

But sometimes the fat kid inside of me creeps out.

She longs for secret meals, cakes, and still-hot-leftovers.

And what kind of message would I be sending to her if I didn’t give in every now and then?

Forever young.

YOLO.

And whatever other slang terminology I can use to justify myself.

Here’s to food!