Being a new mom is awesome…ly hard. With all of the classes, books, and tips they give you before the baby comes you would think hospitals would have a newborn crash course where they spend another 9 months teaching both you and your new baby how to coexist. But once that bundle of joy pops out of your body you are expected to already be a pro at things you have never actually experienced like breastfeeding, changing diapers on your protesting subject, and somehow stopping the blood curdling screams of a person you just met. While I won’t be able to physically help you through these hurdles I can hopefully offer up some comfort (or maybe just a good laugh) as I share with you what I learned about being a new mom from my own personal experience.
1. TEARS WILL BE SHED:
Believe it or not, you will find that you’re crying almost as much (if not more) than your newborn. You’re going to feel like this means that you’re a bad mother or that you don’t love your baby the way you’re “supposed” to. That’s not true. It’s just that breastfeeding is hard, sleep is scarce, and I SAID I NEEDED A COTTON SWADDLE, NOT THE POLYESTER!
Everyone has spent the last 9 months with your hormonal ass so they’ll be able to handle a few more weeks of it.
And it will pass.
2. YOU’RE GOING TO HURT ALL OVER:
I mentioned this after I had Declan, but I feel like it is not talked about enough. 5-10 lbs. of human just came out of your who-haw. Or even harder, if you had a c-section then you just went through major surgery. You will quite literally be crab walking around your home for a few weeks wearing nothing but sweat pants and maxi skirts. Did I mention the disposable shorts they call underwear and dinosaur sized pads they give you?
And while I wish I could tell you that you’ll look as good as she does in these bad boys 24 hours postpartum, the truth of the matter is you’ll probably be looking more like this:
But the good news is that as your uterus shrinks back down to normal size you will start to see that go down.
3. YOU’RE GOING TO BE EXHAUSTED:
No, not “I partied on a Sunday until 3 am and I have to be at work by 6 am for a day full of meetings” tired. I’m talking about a whole new bonus level of exhaustion that you didn’t even know existed. One where you legitimately wonder how you have not died yet because it does not seem physically possible to survive off of such little energy.
It will be overwhelming and at times you won’t know how you’re going to make it through the day, but on the plus side you will have made a new best friend: Coffee. Coffee will become your very best friend.
4. YOU WILL BECOME “THAT PARENT”:
I don’t care who you are or what you claim now. Once you have that adorable babe in your arms you will find yourself physically unable to keep your thumb off of the camera button on your phone. The real struggle will then be to stop yourself from Instagraming each and every shot you take. Because your child is the cutest baby you have ever seen in your life and you want to make the world a better place by plastering that adorable smile all over it.
5. EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION:
“When I had my kid…” is going to become the most popular starter sentence you will ever hear. Most of the time people mean well but it does get exhausting having everyone try to tell you how to raise your child. They will tell you that you are spoiling your baby, not holding them right, or that you need to let them cry. Take it all with a grain of salt and remember that nobody knows your baby like you do and no two kids are the same so what worked for them might not work for you and that’s okay.
6. YOU WILL GOOGLE ABSURD THINGS:
What color is a newborn’s poop supposed to be?
Why does my baby cry so much?
If my baby is exposed to rock music will they grow up to rebel against authority?
Can you die from hearing a newborn cry too much?
You get my drift.
7. YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF UNABLE TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN YOUR NEWBORN:
It’s not your fault you made a super baby, am I right?
But after spending twenty minutes babbling about the cute way your little one blinks and eats and shits you will notice that your company may look a little less excited than you.
But hey, you’re totally allowed to be annoying right now.
Just make sure to remember to ask them about their lives too.
8. YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME:
Before your newborn baby it was like,
But now that you have that bundle of joy in your arms, your life will be more like this:
Nobody said you had to give up everything, right?!